Master Cleanse - Day 5

The half way point. Something tells me that if I see another lemon when this is all over with I will vomit.

Actually, today and yesterday have been rather good days. Days 1, 2 & 3 were a little rough. Day 4 it got increasingly better and I actually had a lot of energy this morning. I hit the wall at around 3:30 p.m. this afternoon, however. My brain seized up and it took a lot of energy to accomplish anything. I did make the mistake of looking up a post-cleanse recipe on the Food Network -- a big, big mistake.

My tongue is now coated with a nice white layer and feels rather fuzzy. I'd take a picture and post it but it really is gross. When your tongue becomes pink again - that's when you are supposed to ease yourself off of the cleanse and back on to solid food. Forget that. 10 days or bust for me even if my tongue is a nice shade of purple (of course, that would mean I have bigger issues). And we won't even discuss the ramifications of the tea. Let's just say we've come up with code words around the house to get out of my way, as there is approximately 30 seconds between stomach cramps and a potential accident happening. My husband made a comment that he bought the steam cleaner just in the nick of time. As if. Trust me, if something like that happened on this detox I'd be in the car and on my way to the nearest In-n-Out Burger while he steam cleaned. God, how I miss those!

One of the noted side effects of this cleanse is a heightened sense of smell. Rachel has apparently gotten to that point. Her email today:

Subject: This Smell thing sucks
Just walked upstairs in our building and every smell hit as I was going down the hall. I need an air freshener at my desk - Our office STINKS... You are so lucky to be at home. Now I know what it is like to be a dog.

This makes me wonder why Kooper makes a habit of sniffing crotches. True, I am very lucky to be doing this at home. Temptation is hard enough when it's just me here being accountable for myself. I can only imagine if you had to be around people eating actual food. Not to mention smelling them and the food. Avoidance is key. Tonight's the season premier of Hell's Kitchen and I think, to be on the safe side, I'm going to have to record it on TiVo and watch it later -- just due to the food aspect.

Most things I've read have said people experience more energy, don't experience hunger, lose fat, and are happier. I think those people are full of it. So far I've had increased energy in the mornings (to date), the scale says I'm down 5 lbs since we started, and I don't really miss the wine or coffee, so I'm happy for the most part. It's really hard to miss wine and coffee when you are completely obsessing about food, or the lack thereof.

So - there are five more short days to go. The half way point. Light in the form of sushi at the end of the tunnel. Downhill slide (no reference to the tea, mind you). On that note, it's time for my last glass of the good stuff of the day. After that I will continue not to think about food and try to ignore my fuzzy white tongue. Pink is my new favorite color.

Day 3 - Detox

Day 2 of the Master Cleanse seemed to go by rather quickly. Work helps and gives the mind something to do other than obsess about all the fabulous food you're not eating.

Food is everywhere however, as I learned on my way to Whole Foods (see, even in the name) to pick up more supplies for the duration of the week. I couldn't go a block without passing an Italian, Chinese, Steakhouse or worse...Sushi restaurant. Torture! When I got to Whole Foods, there were people sitting in the little cafe, around the nice fire, sipping their lattes and eating .... something -- it was food and I can't have any. I wanted to go over and pour my organic Grade B Maple Syrup over their latte-sipping heads. Eat that.

If you can't tell, I'm getting a little testy on the cleanse today - Day 3. When reading the good book written by the Master Cleanse guru Peter Glickman, it says that Days 2, 3, and 7 are the hardest to get through. We'll see if Day 4 (tomorrow) is any better.

Other than cranky (very), I've come down with a rather bad headache, probably from caffeine withdrawls. Supposedly this is a good sign - but I don't see how. I am pretty much experiencing all of the unpleasant detoxification symptoms described: lightheadedness (no comment), irritable (what's new?), bored (without food and wine what is there to live for??). Perhaps I should stop reading? The hunger comes and goes and is probably just me thinking about food 24/7. You always want what you can't have - this goes for pizza too.

The husband is getting the brunt of it however, as he has to put up with me not eating and forcing him to go outside with his food so I don't get tempted. It's about 15 degrees here these days with snow flurries, perfect outdoor dining weather. He's lucky I don't make him drive down the road. Today he decided that chili cheesedogs were a good idea. Chili cheesedogs are never a good idea, unless you're depriving yourself of food. The usual me would think this is completely disgusting and not even bother. But - the 'half starving' me looks at them and thinks "gimmie." It's a test of pure will.

Rachel has lost about five pounds since we started this journey three days ago and seems to be in really good spirits. Bitch. Me, well, I've lost a big fat ZERO pounds and am ready to do someone bodily harm. My fat cells are hanging on for dear life apparently. The actual "detox" part is just starting for me, although I'm thinking there is a ways to go and unpleasant surprises ahead. I can't do the "salt cleanse" that the book recommends, which consists of drinking 32oz of water mixed with sea salt on an empty stomach first thing in the morning, so I had to incorporate another little "helper" to get through the detox part of this entire process. So, tomorrow will probably not only be a little more interesting, but a lot more undignified.

The Cleansing Process

After drinking about five gallons (only a slight exaggeration, I assure you) of wine on Friday night I realize now is the time to deal with the issues of my love for red wine and attempt to combat it. It has to go, or be tamed down to a seriously dull roar, if I'm going to be successful in my quest to the 5k.

In order to get out the bad and welcome the new & less pickled me, I have decided to do something called the Master Cleanse or the "Lemonade Diet," as it's called. I'm not doing this for the diet purposes, mostly the detox purposes. My good friend, Rachel, has decided to do this with me and today is our start day.

The mixture is a concoction of water, maple syrup, lemon juice and cayenne pepper -- all organic of course. You mix it up as follows:

- 10 oz. filtered water
- 2 tablespoons lemon juice (fresh squeezed)
- 2 tablespoons maple syrup (Grade B)
- 1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper

It's lovely as you can see from the picture. I've put mine in a nice wineglass so I don't feel so deprived. It's not working, by the way. This is what we are going to live off of for the next ten days. The only other thing permitted is peppermint tea. They also suggest you do a sea salt cleanse in the morning to get the body functions going - this doesn't sound pleasant what-so-ever.

There's a lot of claims about how great this detox makes you feel. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "being happier" in ten days thing, but we'll see how it goes. Right now I'd be happy with a nice medium rare steak. I will, however, push those thoughts out of my malnourished head.

Today has had it's challenges, but in the long run has not been that bad. It's gone a little something like this:

9 - 11 a.m. - Just started - not feeling too hungry. The bad feeling was probably caused because of the lack of coffee in my body and my body's rejection of this whole crazy idea.
12:00 - Lunch. That was tougher than I thought. I had tea while my husband had a nice big cheeseburger with fries. Justifiable homicide if you ask me.
1 - 3 p.m. - Starting to feel a bit sluggish and now the belly was wanting food and protesting. I did not comply and gave it another glass of the yummy stuff instead. Belly was not happy.

It's now 7:30 and I think I am going to actually make it through Day 1. The husband just stood by the pantry, kicking back sea salt kettle chips and I didn't succumb. This is a good sign. Tomorrow is a new day.

All Signed Up

Just finished running another 5k. To set things straight, I have never considered myself a runner. I'm not even that athletic. The only sports I partake in on a regular basis are those you can drink while playing, like golf or bowling. And the only times I would consider running is if chased by a wild animal. Or the fuzz. So this really is a shock to my system.

In spite of that, for some reason I made it through tonight's run rather easily. Maybe because at first I didn't want to run and started feeling better once I got going, so I gained momentum. Or maybe it was because I was watching Friends for the entire duration. Perhaps someone can just carry a little t.v. in front of my face during the first 5k. I'm sure Oprah has someone to do that for her.

I signed up and received my confirmation number for the Shamrock Run on March 15. Still waiting for Joe to man-up, however. Over a yummy Vietnamese dinner last night with Sara, I mentioned my quest to the 5k and the fact that I am committed. What did she say? Without any hesitation what-so-ever, she says, "I'll do it with you. That will be fun." We weren't even drinking -- imagine my shock (on both accounts - that we weren't drinking and the fact she wants to run the race).

In any event, misery loves company. I'm not sure if she realized it's the Sunday of St. Patrick's Day Weekend or the fact that the race starts at 7 a.m. (if she didn't, she does now). The thought of a lot of athletic guys in running outfits and the promise of a post-run beer will hopefully be enough to get over the negative side effects.

If those guys in the Guinness outfits can do it - so can we. Maybe I'll just strategically put one of them in front of me for motivation. Will run for beer.

My Quest to the 5k

This is me and my friend Joe at the Napa Valley 5k a couple of years ago. We ran the 5k early one brisk March morning after two bottles of wine the night before. Not quite the sign of serious runners, but we did have a lot of fun after the initial shock of actually running the distance wore off.

We always have friendly 'wagers' - whether it's fishing, golfing, running - whatever. The prize is usually just bragging rights and a good bottle of wine (win-win situation). Sometimes I even let him think he wins.

It's a new year, however, and the new year is bringing new challenges - like more 5k's. My bigger challenge, however, is my love of red wine. You can't really make a habit of consuming red wine on a daily basis and transform yourself into a lean, mean 5k running machine all at the same time. When you see runners who are committed, they are usually very fit - eat lots of healthy foods, drink plenty of water, you know, treat their bodies like a temple. I treat mine more like a tent. So, change is necessary, hence the quest. But I am up to this challenge.

What I'm armed with:

• My iPod
• Nike+ shoes and sensor
• Podrunner podcast
• The BodyBugg (a little device that tells you how many calories you burn)
• Kooper - my training partner
• A very bad attitude

I have a heart rate monitor somewhere that I should probably strap on to warn me before I pass out, but I'm afraid with all the other gadgets I might short circuit. In any event, consider me...... in training. Goal 5k #1 is going to be the Shamrock Run in Portland. Watch out Joe.