Detox Pretox

Today I am starting another detox in an attempt to clean out the wine induced layers of soot that must be clogging my arteries at this point to get them, and the rest of my internal organs, back to a clean, healthy state, and then attempt not to do it all over again. Having said that: You have to detox in order to retox.

This regimen isn't quite a rigid as the Lemon Juice/maple syrup detox that Rachel and I tried earlier in the year (everything I do seems like a good idea at the time).  I still can't use cayenne pepper in any foods and forget about maple syrup. Scarred.

Having done a detox before only to gain back the weight, and rather quickly I might add, I am hoping this one has positive, long lasting, even permanent effects - like shiny hair, a clear complexion, decreased ass size (by at least half), wine-gut be gone, and added perks such as my soon to be ex husband gets a job offer he can't refuse in Siberia, and has to leave the country immediately. These things can happen. I am hopeful.

This new one is called the "Ultra Simple Diet" and it sounds, well, ultra simple. The gist of the detox is the following for a week:

• No Sugar
• No Caffeine
• No Alcohol
• No Processed Foods
• No Grains
• No Men
  

Pretty much it's only lean meats or fish, veggies, brown rice and you make protein shakes for breakfast and snacks. Nuts can be on the menu, but no Double Doubles Animal Style. Thank goodness I got my fix of In & Out Burger out of the way when I was in California recently.

Preparation is key to a successful detox, so last night I raced to Trader Joe's to stock up on all the necessary items that I needed to get me going, including the things I cannot pronounce - like Borage oil. What the hell is that?  I could not find rice protein, so I substituted soy protein instead, and stocked up on flax seed oil, skipping the borage oil that obviously only exists in the rarest of health food stores or in a far off land. By the end of the shopping adventure, my cart was filled to the brim with veggies - ranging from bok-choy to carrots, celery to cauliflower - I was completely set. Look how healthy my cart was.

Back at my temporary ranch, I immediately got busy making a pot of brown rice and steaming a bunch of vegetables to pack for lunch. This seems like it is going to be healthy and I was wondering why I hadn't thought of this before. I have always been a good eater, it's normally the gallon of wine I insist on washing everything down with that seems to be my downfall. Note to self.

Reading labels is going to be the toughest part. Not because I can't read, mind you, but because I seriously just can't be bothered spending the time scouring the back of a carton for a hint trace of sugar or one of the fifty other names it can be disguised as. Multi-dextrose, high fructose, xyz chromosome - who knows.  I do have a work-around as I am avoiding most of everything that has something on the food label that 1/ I cannot pronounce or 2/ I don't know what it is - which usually goes hand in hand with the things I can't pronounce, although I could pronounce 'borage.' Things that are natural should be simple to comprehend.  Like the rice I purchased. On the back it simply reads: Ingredients - Brown Rice. The end. No guesswork.

We’ll see how it goes.